Another Sunday 7 weeks now

 My baby, I am  still in such pain from your passing. I don’t cry as much  but I’m missing you today as I do every day. The toughest time is coming home and you’re not here and going to bed at night and you’re not on the pillow next to me. Even though, I continue to move forward with a part of my heart missing. 

It’s almost like I’m in this movie that I’m acting out hoping it’s not real but sadly it is reality. I continue to put one foot in front of the other and allow myself the tears when they come and feel the pain and know that it is getting better day by day. My tears now fill minutes not hours. 

Roxie the pain of you not being here, oh my god, that is still very tough. I love you and miss you with all my heart and I still have this little part of me that hopes I’m gonna wake up and you’re still here. 

But thinking of you my baby, keeps  you close to my heart. In those times, it feels like you’re still here and I’m grateful for those moments.

Spoke too soon

 I got up on Monday morning and some thing I looked at triggered a memory and I was off and  crying again, feeling that pain again. I told myself to allow my heart to feel the feelings. 

It was a great example of how this grieving process doesn't have an expiration date. It’s a process and some days you do good and you think oh I’m really getting better and then other days it’s like the first day all over again and you cry and you hurt and you’re in pain. 

However the times in between seem to be a bit longer.  I’m hopeful, that with time those moments, won’t be as often as they are now.  I suspect that when a memory gets triggered the pain will slap you unexpectedly, and you have to be patient with yourself, minimize expectations, embrace another round of grief and remember it’s part of the process. 

You will work through it, as painful as it may be. Have hope, faith and believe the current feelings will lessen, at least till the next time. 

I believe this experience  is making me a stronger more empathetic person and able to offer hope to others like those who have suffered before me, offered hope to me.

My thoughts are with you. 

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

– Vicki Harrison

Five weeks tomorrow and finally the pain has lessened a tiny bit

I have gone through a few days now with only a bit of tears instead of a flood every day. I almost feel like I am betraying her memory by not crying every day. Am I forgetting her?  My thoughts seem to go in many different directions. I wonder about how I got here, since it seemed like i would never feel peace or  the beginning of a mending heart again.

I still have my moments, but the pain is less severe. Its still there but not as intense. My heart feels like its beginning to heal. I kiss her urn good morning and good night and occasionally talk to her during the day as if she was here. I do feel sad and miss her terribly and wish this was all a bad dream. At those moments it feels like a knife pierces my heart. But amazingly I survive.

I am hopeful that someday I may love another furry baby again. For now I still grieve my baby with all my heart and of course the tears are flowing now that I am talking about it.

Today I will send love to her and remember and cherish her memory and our wonderful times together and hope the universe with its amazing synchronicity regarding matters of the heart will find the perfect timing for me to share my life again with a furry child.

Blessings to you all

Almost a month

July 5 it will be a month since my precious furry baby is gone. Tears fill my eyes, amazingly the  pain isn't as severe as it was. I think I am going to live. The last four weeks I didn't want to live or go on without her, the pain and the loss so great.

I have been reading, talking and sharing my grief with whoever is a willing listener. All of that has helped reduce the pain a tiny bit. Enough that I can breathe and feel hope that i will survive.

I said to a friend this morning when we were talking about the pain "that's the price we pay for the unconditional love we get and are gifted to give."  Of course, tomorrow I could cry all day, but for just today a bit of relief from the overwhelming feelings of intense pain.
 
I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday who said she still cries over the loss of her Candy and Missy who passed 11 years ago. We did shed some tears together that they are no longer here in our lives.   

That's all for today, just wanted to share there is hope that time will reduce the pain a tiny bit at a time and enough to breathe and entertain the thought that maybe someday I will open my heart to a furry baby again.

Another Sunday and Missing you is all I know how to do

My heart is still so broken, some days I manage to get through with out crying for hours. It seems like mornings are the worst. I tried not to kiss your urn this morning because I would look at your photo and start to cry.  But I felt like you were saying why arent you kissing me and I did and I cried and my heart ached and I told you how much I miss you.
I heard on the news this morning a girl talking about grief and she said "I just want to go back in time."
I thought me too!
I knew you were ready, you were having all kinds of health problems but neither of us wanted to let go.
So I made the choice best for you and now I am here wishing I could go back in time and hold you again.
this is what my life looks like today, thinking of you, crying, trying to move on but every day pulled back into the pain of not having you here in my life.
We were best friends and there are so many memories that run through my mind every day. You had a personality that was amazing, funny, loving and my protector.
It is so hard to believe and accept you are not here anymore. But the grief process is one that includes all the feelings I am experiencing. It is normal but not pleasant. 

I miss you my darling and always will. Love from my broken heart, MOM

Changing the Air Filter

 My baby had a collapsing trachea and the vet felt maybe allergies made it worse. Six months ago I went out and purchased on a CC  a $300 air filter for the house and she seemed to cough less. It was worth every penny. It was a bit of an expense for me but anything for my furry child. 

Today I had to change the filter, as I did it, I cried, no more like sobbed, as I changed it.  I was glad I got it for her and once again I realized she was having health issues for a while. I did all I could to make her comfortable but this last time there was no fixing it. I asked God for a sign and he gave me many that last week so I could know I was doing the right thing. In spite of me saying that there is always that tiny doubt that comes with the what if I tried this or did something differently. That's me not letting go because I was so dependent on her for companionship. Letting her go was an unselfish act, keeping her would have been a selfish act, me letting her suffer so I didn't have to be without her. Yes I did the right thing, but the pain is great and the love and loss of her not being here is even greater.

From what I read that is normal to question but when I am calm and reflect back I know she is no longer, coughing and struggling to breathe but the pain of not having her anymore is so very painful and feels like it will never go away. So today is another one of those days that will come when remembering how much I loved her and wanted to do what I could to help her.

It helps me to write this. I feel like even though she is gone physically she is  still very present in my heart and daily life.

Its Sunday and Trying to Keep Busy

 Each day is a challenge  to over come the feelings of emptiness, loss and painful feelings that shes not here anymore, to hold, cuddle, walk and feed. When I think about it the tears come and that heart wrenching pain comes with not having her laying next to my chair or on the pillow on my bed at night. 

I have to tell myself its only been two weeks and it will take time. We were like each others security blanket she came to me if she needed something or was fearful and when I held her she calmed right down and all my anxiety went away comforting her. And if I was having a bad day I would  hold her and all was right with the world.

I will miss her so much.