Another Sunday and Missing you is all I know how to do

My heart is still so broken, some days I manage to get through with out crying for hours. It seems like mornings are the worst. I tried not to kiss your urn this morning because I would look at your photo and start to cry.  But I felt like you were saying why arent you kissing me and I did and I cried and my heart ached and I told you how much I miss you.
I heard on the news this morning a girl talking about grief and she said "I just want to go back in time."
I thought me too!
I knew you were ready, you were having all kinds of health problems but neither of us wanted to let go.
So I made the choice best for you and now I am here wishing I could go back in time and hold you again.
this is what my life looks like today, thinking of you, crying, trying to move on but every day pulled back into the pain of not having you here in my life.
We were best friends and there are so many memories that run through my mind every day. You had a personality that was amazing, funny, loving and my protector.
It is so hard to believe and accept you are not here anymore. But the grief process is one that includes all the feelings I am experiencing. It is normal but not pleasant. 

I miss you my darling and always will. Love from my broken heart, MOM

Changing the Air Filter

 My baby had a collapsing trachea and the vet felt maybe allergies made it worse. Six months ago I went out and purchased on a CC  a $300 air filter for the house and she seemed to cough less. It was worth every penny. It was a bit of an expense for me but anything for my furry child. 

Today I had to change the filter, as I did it, I cried, no more like sobbed, as I changed it.  I was glad I got it for her and once again I realized she was having health issues for a while. I did all I could to make her comfortable but this last time there was no fixing it. I asked God for a sign and he gave me many that last week so I could know I was doing the right thing. In spite of me saying that there is always that tiny doubt that comes with the what if I tried this or did something differently. That's me not letting go because I was so dependent on her for companionship. Letting her go was an unselfish act, keeping her would have been a selfish act, me letting her suffer so I didn't have to be without her. Yes I did the right thing, but the pain is great and the love and loss of her not being here is even greater.

From what I read that is normal to question but when I am calm and reflect back I know she is no longer, coughing and struggling to breathe but the pain of not having her anymore is so very painful and feels like it will never go away. So today is another one of those days that will come when remembering how much I loved her and wanted to do what I could to help her.

It helps me to write this. I feel like even though she is gone physically she is  still very present in my heart and daily life.

Its Sunday and Trying to Keep Busy

 Each day is a challenge  to over come the feelings of emptiness, loss and painful feelings that shes not here anymore, to hold, cuddle, walk and feed. When I think about it the tears come and that heart wrenching pain comes with not having her laying next to my chair or on the pillow on my bed at night. 

I have to tell myself its only been two weeks and it will take time. We were like each others security blanket she came to me if she needed something or was fearful and when I held her she calmed right down and all my anxiety went away comforting her. And if I was having a bad day I would  hold her and all was right with the world.

I will miss her so much.

My Memorial Space for Her

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have made a memorial area for her. I was on a grief support site and someone shared their picture of what they did and I liked it. 

This is what I  made. When I saw the small wooden box with her ashes I thought such a small box for such a big spirit. :-)

When I go on line into grief support groups, I know I am not alone in the pain I feel and that so many of us are feeling the heart wrenching pain of letting go of our furry child. Please remember others at this very moment are walking the same path we are walking.

It's been 12 days and this is the first day, I have a sense of hope that life will go on and I will find ways to honor her and honor me for being a good pet Mom and find things to help me heal. I will survive the pain and with time maybe even be okay. She will always be in my heart.

I like an acronym for TIME that someone shared   Things I Must Earn

Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow, write about your baby!

Just allow yourself to feel the feelings because that is what will get us through.

I send you all a big comforting hug,

My Roxie's Ashes Are Home

 Well her ashes are home and they are sitting in one of her favorite spots. She loved sitting on the back of the couch and watching for people and animals to bark at, It was like she was saying this is my street  or don't come near the house I am protecting my mom. She was ferocious, and was annoyed the window was in the way.  I always laughed at her tenaciousness. I think now, I should have video taped it. The woulda, coulda, shoulda's are tearing me apart some days. But in your heart of hearts you don't expect them to leave. I was in denial she would ever die, after all I took such good care of her. Sadly, I realize now, that was denial and a little part of me even wonders if I waited too long to let her go. 

A friend told me last night when she brought her dogs ashes home she felt better. So I summoned the courage today to go get her ashes and I am very grateful to my friend for saying that because amazingly, I do feel better. I only had two crying episodes today and that was a small amount of progress. 

I found an article today that I really liked on grieving the loss of a pet. I converted it to a pdf and gave credit to the author and the website where I found it. I hope if your grieving it offers you some comfort.
 
*** Well Blogger wouldn't let me up load the pdf easily so I put it on my website and I am going to give you a  link to the file. Hope it works? Okay, it worked for me you may have to give it permission one more time. 

https://www.byshashana.com/uploads/1/6/8/9/16890522/mourning_the_loss_of_your_pet.pdf

I also got a picture frame today to put her photo in and found a pretty poem about Pomeranian's that I will include in the frame. I write poetry so will eventually write my own poem to her, but for now I need to feel the pain and grieve.  This blog is a catharsis, hmmm maybe writing a poem would be too?  I will put her harness next to it and hopefully set up a little memorial for her on my shelf. Someone else had a small jar candle on the shelf. I am so grateful to all of you for sharing your pain and offering me ideas and words that encourage me to keep going, also heal and find small ways to honor her memory. 

This is the first day I haven't spent a few hours crying, I think bringing her home really made a difference, I can still talk to her and keep her close and its a tangible object.

It was only June 7 she crossed the rainbow bridge and I hope it helps to hear someone elses journey and in some small way you are comforted and know you are not alone.

 

Do Pets Visit Us After They Are Gone?

Very interesting question.  At times, I feel Roxie is still here, the first few days I heard her nails clicking across the floor, I thought I felt her on the bed and the tinkling of her harness. 

I think she wanted to let me know she was still with me, if only in spirit. 

As I was searching the web for  articles to help me through the grief I found the one below. If you experiencing any of the feelings on the list, you may feel comforted to know you are not alone and other people experience it too. 

After my grandmother died when I was 19 yo. I felt her presence with me for ten years. I had been a very wild and crazy young woman. I really believed she protected me through those ten years. When I finally got my life together and made some big life changes, it felt like she breathed a sigh of relief and said I can rest now. 

I do believe spirits visit us, I have had too many experiences to deny it. But haven't had much experiences with pets so I was struggling with embracing it a 100%. However the first few days after she went over the rainbow bridge I had some experiences that made me rethink my beliefs and I began to embrace the idea. I am up to about 90+% now.😇

I believe we are all made of energy, frequency and vibration so its easy to move between the energy fields when you believe that. So, I talk to my Roxie girl when I feel her nearby and if that sounds crazy, so be it, but it makes me still feel connected to my precious furry child. After all she still has my heart.

Just another lesson in grieving.

I am posting part of the blog below with a link in case you want to check it out. It was a random website I found I have no knowledge of the blogs author. But if you think its happening to you, it always helps to know your not crazy and not alone in thinking that way.

Blessings on your journey of grieving and connecting to your furry child.

 

10 signs your pet is visiting your from the after life

1. You hear their paws walking

2. You smell their scent

3. You hear their collar

4. You hear their voice

5. You feel their presence in bed or on the couch

6. You catch their presence in your peripheral vision

7. You hear their song, a song that reminds you of them, on the radio

8. Happy thoughts of them come in out of the blue when you need cheering

9. You think you feel their fur on your skin when resting

10. You receive a new animal friend shortly after their crossing

The truth is, your pets love you more than you even realize. They are okay with the choices you made because, in reality, you did it together. 

This love and connection continues on into the afterlife.

Pets are the true epitome of unconditional love and these are just a few ways they display it. For many of us, they teach us how to love from a pure and totally elemental heart. 

So in their transition, we usually open to a greater sense of love. 

As such, many pets continue to guide us in love in the afterlife. Many of them are transitioning to our spirit guide team almost immediately once they reach the other side. 

For more, read on in the blogs below for other spiritual signs your pet is connecting with you,

Amanda Linette Meder

amandalinettemeder.com

 

Crying in the Supermarket

 A friend sent me this poem today (see below)  and it seemed to fit in with my grief and my thoughts. I hope it offers you some comfort if you are feeling lost after losing a furry baby.

Today was especially rough. I went to pick up some things from the supermarket and they had organic blueberries on sale. I picked them up put them in my cart and the tears came. 

My Roxie loved blueberries. I tried to gain some composure but the produce fella who knows me asked "how are you doing?" More tears as the words choked in my throat that my 16 yo Roxie went over the rainbow bridge.

He showed me a picture of his dog and shared he had lost a few over the years. He reassured me it will get better in time.

Another girl that worked there had dog sat for me and knew my Roxie and she took one look at me and said "whats wrong?" and I told her about Roxie. She said "Oh no!!! she was such a good dog and had the best life with you.Try to be grateful that you gave her such a good life."

I continued around the store, trying to keep it together. When I checked out, the girl at the register made the mistake of saying "How are you doing?"  (I use to work in the store so i know a lot of the employees). I shared what happened.  Turned out she lost her 14 yo Shepard a month ago and her eyes filled up, as we looked at each other, with our eyes brimming with tears, we both knew the pain in our hearts that we were feeling..

Grief  is a process and we feel a variety of emotions each day.  I need to allow myself to be human and accept I'm grieving and not judge myself for not meeting my own expectations.

Instead i need to be gentle and kind and remind myself its a process and also its okay to cry and feel the pain, even in the supermarket. :-)

Grief is grief whether a person or a pet or a loss of some kind, it hurts and healing takes time;

A Very Painful Loss

 

Anyone who’s ever had their beloved pet pass away knows that losing a dog is one of the hardest things you can go through. Research shows that saying goodbye to your favorite furry child is just as hard – if not sometimes more difficult – than the death of a human.
                                                                                                                 

I read that quote and thought wow, Ive had a lot of losses in my life, but I dont remember feeling this kind of pain, since my Mo girl died 17 years ago. I had her 12 years and after grieving her for six months,  I said I wont do this again, it was too hard to feel the heartbreaking pain of losing her. 

But another few months passes and at the prodding of a friend I adopted Roxie.
Mo girl and I were  together twelve years, Roxie was with me 16 years. She was my life. I did everything i could to give her a good life.  I cooked all her meals, she slept on the pillow next to me. We traveled together. As she got older she had cataracts and couldn't see well at all. But if I got up and moved to another room she was right there a few minutes later looking for me. And if I was in the bathroom and came out it was like I was gone for a few hours and she was so happy to see me.

How can you your heart not break knowing you have lost that kind of  love and companionship in your life?.

Heartbreak

Its been a week since I said to the vet "go ahead" and let her go.
My choice  was to keep my 16 year old Pomeranian alive, put her through a variety of tests, then load her with medications. and when I said "will she have a quality of life?" to the vet, he answered with a response no pet owner wants to hear "No"  And I could barely utter the next two words "Go Ahead".  

I myself tell my kids if I am at a place in my life and I have no quality of life let me go. I have signed a living will so they are clear that's what I want. So if that's what I want for me I needed to give that gift to my furry child as well.

The vet said  he would make the same choice. A friend with me nodded her head in agreement. And my furry child died in my arms and took my heart with her.
As I write this the tears are rolling down my face and I am in so much emotional pain. More then I could have imagined.
Yet my mind told me I did the right thing, she had a rough ten days and had been having difficulties for a year before. One day she couldn't stand up. In the last couple weeks she had really gone down hill. Keeping her going was a selfish choice on my part, letting her go was an act of love.

The journey of grieving began and I was about to learn an awful lot  about grieving and the choices I made.

I am going to insert some quotes. Most I found on Google/ This one was especially true and meaningful to me.